www.ShanghaiPersonalFinance.com

Because gravity happens everywhere.

This is a reprint from the early days of ChinaSolved because I’ve decided to go on holiday too. If you can’t beat them, sleep in:

Is your management getting better — or are your standards dropping? Beware the dangers of “standards slip” as your China management career gets underway.

You know the story well enough when you see it in OPM (Other People’s Multinationals). The receptionist who can’t speak English – or clear Mandarin, the sales reps who don’t return phone calls, the seemingly simple transactions that require half a dozen group conferences to complete. And why is it that at certain Starbucks around Shanghai there will be half a dozen Starbucks Rangers bustling around behind the counter, but only one befuddled trainee actually interacting with customers? Who runs the operations at these so-called “multinationals”? Have they never heard of quality control? Training? Performance reviews? Job interviews? Which overpaid ex-pat incompetent is responsible for these debacles?

Well, it just may be YOU. Yes, these are just a few symptoms of the dreaded Slipping Standards Syndrome that is threatening to undermine the careers of many long-term expats, overseas Chinese, and returnees in places like Shanghai, Beijing, and Shenzhen.

It all starts innocently enough. Your brilliant new hire needs 25 minutes to make a photocopy. A college graduate with 2 years experience claims to not know what a search engine is. Your star salesman constructs elaborate arguments against the use of spell-check. Lunch has become a 3 tiered affair, comprised of the “preparation phase”, the “errand phase” and the “actual eating phase”, which combine to occupy anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours.

Do you have SSS? Check for warning signs. There are 4 phases: Denial, Windmilling, Compromise and Acceptance.

In the Denial phase, you simply can’t believe your eyes. “No,” you’ll say. “That seemingly competent, intelligent woman did not just spend 2 hours sitting at her desk staring a blank screen because the cable to the CPU got accidentally disconnected by the cleaning lady. No, there must be some deep and subtle cultural explanation that I, as a vulgar barbarian, simply cannot fathom. That must be it.

Next comes the Windmill phase, named after Don Quixote’s famous delusional battle with an imaginary yet undefeatable foe. You will change things. You will be a beacon of efficiency that pierces the post-socialist haze of incompetence and waste! You will make the office assistant change stationary stores from one that never gets the order right and overcharges all the time to one that DOES get the order right and DOES NOT overcharge. “It will be simple,” you say, “if I am just patient and explain my goals and reasoning clearly”. We’ve lost a lot of good young managers to this phase of the syndrome. It’s not pretty.

Next comes Compromise. This is the phase where those wide-eyed, optimistic overseas managers can be heard muttering to themselves on the way to the coffee-machine. “It’s ok for them to come in at 9:30 everyday, but they’ll just have to make up the work in the evening.” Or, “well, if it takes 3 people to send out the brochures in this office, then that’s what it takes. At least we’re accomplishing this important task”. The Compromise phase is usually accompanied by an up-tick in attendance at Happy Hours, and occasionally a relaxation of one’s grooming and wardrobe standards.

And finally, there is Acceptance. “I’ll hire the first guy who knows how to shake hands.” Next you hear yourself saying things like, “Well, of course it took the HR manager 2 months and 16 interviews to hire the new sales assistant. Everyone here KNOWS that her aunt’s classmate’s sister’s daughter-in-law is having an operation next month, and the HR manager is the only one who can make the arrangements”.

And so on, until you catch yourself displaying symptoms of full-blown SSS. You start saying,”Yeah, well, that’s the way we do it in China.”

And then it’s all over.

Once there were the cave-dwellers and nomads and the hunter-gatherers. Then came simple tool use and rudimentary language abilities. Now a new breed of ex-pat is migrating into China, bringing with him new envirnomental pressures and strange new opporutnities. Prepare for the coming of the new breed of immigrant — the Corporate Man.

Type 1 Cultural adventurers. This is the old back-pack set. They really, really admire any culture not their own — and they fell for China and Asia in a BIG way. They started working in Asia because they needed money for more trekking, and some of them fell in to jobs that ended up making them some decent money.

Type 2) Opportunity seekers. They are the explorers and gold rush prospectors. These guys want adventure — but their definition of adventure probably includes an IPO and lots of international deals. These guys are responsible for lots of the JVs and B2B startups over the last 10 years.

Type 3) Unwilling ex-pat. (UEP). Had to come. All their suppliers are already here, and now most of their customers are as well. They have made a couple of business trips, but for the most part don’t know about China and don’t want to know. Want to do business and get home to their real life as soon as possible.

So where do you fall?

In Shanghai we are seeing a switch from Type 2 to Type 3. As the US MNCs ramp up for their great march into China, we can expect to see more and more unwilling ex-pats from the US and Europe flood into this market. Service levels will rise – as will prices. The locals will become even more jaded and disillusioned by westerners. And you will no longer be a minor celebrity at the post office.

T1s. The Dharma Bums never really fit into Shanghai society, even 15 years ago.

In fact, the culture kids always had trouble in China. No one really liked them too much. They tend to do better in places like Japan and India were locals have time for their culturally sensitive noise. In China, people want to make money and then they want to spend it. Some neo-hippy in a $250 Columbia windbreaker and an “Impeach Bush” patch ironed onto his convertible backpack talking about the Cultural Revolution and insulting America never did well among the locals – or other westerners. You can still find these guys teaching English in the Second Cities or provinces. Sometimes try to take the form of a T2.

T2s. The Opportunity Seekers who came out here before 2004 are still the major force.

These guys know Chinese, know China and are looking for ways to fit in with big-picture shifts in the global economy. They have paid their dues dealing with bureaucracy, roadblocks, landmines and the struggles of under-developed economies. They were movie-star-esque for a while, and could count on mild celebrity status almost everywhere they went. That’s pretty much over in the big cities, thank God. Lots of these guys went kind of ‘local’ a while ago, avoiding Nan Jing Xi Lu and other “foreigner” spots, but had their favorite bars on Mao Ming Lu or Tong Ren Lu. They would gather in western bars to bitch about China, but generally liked being here and believed they understood China. The fact was that the liked China more than they respected it much of the time, but these people had a generally strong impression of where the Chinese economy was heading. There is an unfortunate tendency for some of them to believe their sacrifices and struggles in the Old Days still means something significant. They don’t.

T3. The new guy – the Cro Mag to all you Neanderthals out there – is a company man sent by the US office.

Or maybe he’s a business owner who has no choice but to follow his supply chain out to China. The most distinctive characteristic of this type of ex-pat is that he has ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO BE HERE. That’s right – he never made the choice to come to China. Someone or something else decided for him. This guy doesn’t HAVE to care about the culture or society or “the way of doing things”. When T1 or T2s bitched about China, there was something hypocritical or defeatist about it. They knew they were vulnerable to the Vibrating Death Palm of politically-correct ex-pat debate: “Well if you hate it so much, then why are you still here?”. That won’t work on these guys, because someone literally told them they have to be here. And hell yeah, he’s gonna have the double-double cheeseburger at Malones and they’d better have the right kind of ketchup. These guys are rich, they’ve got bad marriages and high blood pressure and a complete and total disdain for ALL cultures – including their own. They want to get the numbers to work – to get sales up, defects down, branches rolled out – and then they want to get the hell out of here and go back home. They don’t care about anything but work.

The T2s aren’t going away, but they are going to be rapidly swamped by the new breed of T3s who have no real connection to or with China. The big 3 cities are going to get more and more corporate — and more prosperous. So if you old-hands feel that Shanghai or Beijing are already “too civilized” you can think about opening up that second or third location is some up-and-coming little town of 5 or 6 million people. But I wouldn’t go shutting down the Shangahi operation any time soon — those T3s are going to bring some serious expense-accounts with them, and they won’t even know how to say “ni hao”.

Tai ban le.

Turnover is high and morale is sinking? Time for some team-building exercises to boost everyone’s spirit and promote harmonious cooperation! But who has the time and budget for expensive professionally run over-night programs at big-name resorts? If you blow all the company’s funds on team-building and staff retention activities, how will you afford those hefty head-hunter fees to replace the managers who quit? With a little creativity (yours) and a few sacrifices (the staff’s), you’ll be able to put together a great team-building program that is cheap, effective-ish, and will wrap-up in time for tee-off on Saturday morning! If that doesn’t demonstrate what a caring, multi-cultural boss you are and satisfy those whiney little bastards, nothing will!

ChinaSolved once again rides to the rescue with an exciting and challenging weekday-long schedule of fun & easy team-builders guaranteed to make the smallest possible impact on your budget and schedule. Everyone is encouraged to have a great time! Let the morale boosting begin:

Rush-hour Road Trip. Nothing builds camaraderie like a leisurely road trip to an exotic location, but who has the time? Well, Shanghai traffic can make your team-building dreams a reality. By carefully timing your journey during normal “rush hour”, a simple trip from Xujiahui to Pudong’s famous Jinqiao Expat-Land (Green Sports & Leisure Centre) can take 3 hours or more! See the sights when you are there (be sure to check out the new Simply Thai — ooh, exotic). Have pictures taken in Strip-Mall World, see the exotic foreign families in their mini-vans (careful – never get between a western mother and her cubs) and see who can collect the most matchbooks from sports-bars!

Century Park Camp out – roughing it, Shanghai style. Wilderness hikes, campfires and overnights in a tent are an old standby for teambuilding throughout the world (California). But the nearest wilderness to most Chinese business centers involves at least 2 plane-changes and possibly a border-crossing. What to do? While it’s not exactly uncharted territory, Pudong’s Century Park can provide plenty of wilderness excitement if you handle it right! Hint – the further you go from the subway stops the more rugged the terrain gets, so make sure those cell phones are fully charged! You’ll have to hunt for your own food from the concession stands around the boat rental building. See how long you can walk on the grass before the guards start blowing their whistles! Go to the nature trail and see how many different types of ayis you can spot with western children.

Portman Paintball. One of the best ways to cement team spirit and foster harmony is to split up into teams and try to kill each other. In simpler days of old, you could head down to Zhongshan Park for a few hours of good-natured fun – but the wheels of development crushed every last vestige of outdoor entertainment years ago. Fortunately, the driveway complex at the Portman Ritz Carleton provides a perfect all-weather mock-battleground. Nanjing Xi Lu is out of bounds. One team gets Starbucks as home base, the other gets Element Fresh. The hotel lobby is a NO FIRE zone!! No shooting at tour groups (but ex-pat businessmen are ok in the BONUS ROUND ONLY).

Xin tian di scavenger hunt. Start at the Starbucks and split up into teams. You each have 2 hours to find as many of these items as possible:
A lone Japanese tourist
A sub-rmb50 lunch
An actual Shanghaise person (who is not accompanying a client / visitor)
A sober ex-pat businessman (after dark).
10 photos taken with visitors of different ethnicity.
Bonus – How many foreign babies can your team touch on the face?

Games & Exercises: No teambuilding is complete without dignity-impairing interactive exercises. If they don’t make you feel foolish, then you’re not really trying:

Hot potato

A red ball, representing a routine business decision, gets passed around and up the hierarchy until time runs out. Don’t get stuck with the hot potato!

Musical chairs

7 chairs for every 5 people. Everybody wins. Extra points for changing places after the music stops.

Justification

Each team is given a basic office task to perform. Whichever team comes up with the most creative reason for not completing the task wins. For extra points, find reasons A) not to start B) not to finish and C) to finish a different job.

Desert Island

Each team is stranded on a desert island, and must decide which 99 absolutely critical possessions, appliances, accessories to bring for the team to survive 24 hours. NOTE: Each article of doggie wardrobe counts as a separate item!

Directions

One team member is sitting 5 feet from a destination. Team members have 45 minutes to give him directions from his chair to the location. No blindfolds, hiding places or obstructions. Very advanced.

Thames Town – the carefully planned community that is intended to replicate the experience of tradition British life (http://www.time.com/time/asia/magazine/article/0,13673,501050214-1025219,00.html ) – looks set to be a roaring success. And there’s a German town in development as well. Progress on the ‘Tokyo on the Yangtze’ project has hit some kind of technical or administrative snag (?) , but plans for a French, Italian and Nordic themed village are said to be moving ahead briskly.

What about Americaville? Well, I’m sure that there is some kind of project up on the drawing boards of the appropriate Shanghai ministry – they’re probably just keeping a low profile until all of those Euro-projects get completed. That must be it.

One of the problems is likely to be the overwhelming range of options that the designers will have to choose from. Well, always on lookout for chance to be helpful, so we’ve put together a few ideas to pitch to the developers. Contact us for details.

Disneyland? No. NO! This is NOT representative of American values or aesthetics. Though to be honest, villas in the Shanghai Disney theme-park would be a huge hit. You could put a McDonalds on every corner. Wal-Mart in the town square. Hmm. How would you brand it? Disneyland-land. DisneyTown? OrlandoVille? Anyway, HK has the only Disney franchise in China, so it will never happen. NEXT! >>

ManhattanTown – This one works because it will give Shanghai yuppies (Shuppies?) a new reason to look down on others. Residents will be encouraged to act snobbish, shallow and money-driven. In ManhattanTown it doesn’t matter what kind of person you are or what you’ve accomplished – it’s about how much you earn and how much you spend! Real estate prices are astronomical, services are minimal, people are rude and the quality of life is unhealthy. It features cultural events no one appreciates, galleries with art that no one likes, and boutiques with ridiculous fashions at outlandish prices. Restaurants close every Wednesday afternoon, and are replaced by new ones ready to open by Friday night. What a minute…ok, never mind. We’ve already got a bunch of those neighborhoods in Shanghai now.

CollegeTown – An idealized version of the US college experience that Chinese people prepare their children for from birth–but this one doesn’t drive you to contemplate suicide. CollegeTown is a little like Boston – but without the Indians. In Shanghai’s CollegeTown, the streets are lined with cozy cafes where you can read comic books and play computer games, where you won’t get beaten up for ordering fruit tea in the bars, and the libraries never, ever close! But in this CollegeTown you can actually have friends — though you still probably won’t get into a fraternity. Sorry. To give it that authentic feel, applications must be submitted 18-24 months in advance, and will require a TOEFL score.

Mayberry PRC – A friendly, idyllic version of America that never really existed for 99% of the country. Everyone knows one another and has time to stop and chat on the street. Imagine coming home after a hard day in your sterile Shanghai office tower and just ‘settin’ for a spell’ at Floyd’s barbershop or heading over to MaryLou’s Diner for pie and hot-pot. Mayberry PRC will still have plenty of down-home Chinese flavor, though. Pajamas will be the dress-code, and blaring loud-speakers will be installed on every corner. Lights out at 8:30. No actual small-town or country people allowed.

TrailerWorld / Redneck Row – Yeah, now we’re talking. You can fill in your own crude analogy to White Trash – but we all know it’ll work. You’ve been slaving away in your uncomfortable suit at that MNC all day, and now it’s time to kick back and relax – Arkansas Style. Strip down to your boxers & graying undershirt, spit for while, smoke in the elevator, and throw some trash in the hallway. You’re home. If it itches – scratch it! All units are decorated with tacky lawn-ornaments, used auto-parts, and folding plastic furniture. Convenience stores, strip-malls and China’s largest Wal-mart provide all your shopping needs. Oh, yeah. TrailerWorld is the kind of international living that finally makes sense.

I saw a promotional clip on Channel Young the other day. (I don’t watch Channel Y too often – its target market seems to be young Chinese girls who only want to see what beauty products and over-priced fashions Chinese pop-stars are wearing. Really — it was on at the gym. ) There was a little animated guy walking through an art gallery full of western masterpieces – which all morphed into little interactive scenarios. When he got to Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam from The Sistine Chapel ceiling – God had an iPod shuffle in his hand, as though he were handing it to Adam.

Now, at first I thought it was kind of clever and creative – but then I realized that I was outraged that my culture had been insulted by insensitive Chinese. And it turns out that I’m culturally outraged by lots of stuff. It’s not obvious at first, but with a little effort and practices, you too can get bent out of shape by seemingly coincidental or harmless media imagery.

Chinese magazines denigrate western women. They make Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera look like cheap tramps. Brainless, too.

They are going to western countries and direspecting our most deeply held traditions and values. Chinese students are going to US universities— and have been attending class and reading books. There are rumors many of these overseas “students” are intentionally refusing to drink beer 6 nights a week, but there isn’t any hard evidence. And when is Yao Ming going to start having temper tantrums? He still hasn’t been arrested even once. What is he trying to do to the NBA?

Chinese women are stealing our best men. How many times have you walked down the street in Shanghai and seen a western man being led astray by a Chinese woman. Last weekend at Plaza 66 I saw an Asian woman placing her hand on a western man’s buttock. Ok, it turned out that she was just feeling for his wallet — but still! When will it end?

Chinese are portraying America in a humiliating light. They are putting McDonalds, KFC and Dairy Queens are on every corner in Shanghai – thus making American’s seem like fast-food addicted gluttons who only care about instant gratification. It’s deeply insulting and offensive.

And for heaven’s sake, bring Zhang Ziyi home and make her stay here. Los Angeles has enough to worry about. She’s your problem – take responsibility. And give the poor thing a bowl of noodles or something. She’s wasting away.

If you spend a lot of time talking about business in China, you are may at times be tempted to stray beyond the limits of inter-culturally sensitive boundaries (i.e.: say rude stuff). I think that the international management community needs to re-enable their vocabularic tendencies in an effort to enhance harmonic co-existence.

We have, however, beaten the phrase “Cultural Differences” to death. It has been great for describing EVERYTHING that could possibly go wrong in China, but I’m afraid we’ve used it so much it is starting to lose all meaning.

ChinaSolved’s team of lexigraphic engineers (BS artists) have stepped up to the challenge (had nothing better to do with their time) and supplied a much needed Dictionary of Politically Correct Management Terms for the International China Managers.

Stealing IP –> Differently creative

Poor quality –> Alternatively standardized

Sleazy bastard –> Innovative

Overpriced –> Other-valued

Disloyal –> Ethically liberal

Bribe –> Enabled

Xenophobic –> Patriotic

Price gauging –> Economically hyper-opportunistic

Inefficient –> Innovatively allocated

Guanxi –> Bureau-capable

Job hopping –> Laterally enabled

Collusion –> Consensus orientation

Bureaucratic –> Process oriented

Protected industry –> Economically enhanced

Corrupt official –> Motivated public servant

Gone nuts –> China-capped

Example: Yesterday some sleazy bastard from marketing downloaded the entire database of our client list AND the new product specs for our entire product line. I have no idea how he got the passwords – probably paid off one of the IT geeks. He didn’t even have the balls to give notice. I found out because 2 clients that I know personally called me up and told me that they got an email with OUR company’s logo over a different company name — offering our identical service at 20% lower cost. What an asshole.

Becomes…

Recently a self-directed individual from our marketing department opted to pursue more independently oriented activities. Before leaving, he decided to avail himself of some materials which would enable him to maximize the value from time he spent with us. Various members of our IT family took it upon themselves to help him compile a meaningful collection of mementos. Always considerate, he decided not to burden the overworked HR team with unnecessary paperwork. Several mutual acquaintances received helpful notes that reminded everyone that our friend was still active in the community. We wish him the best.

International managers in China probably hate the formal Chinese banquet (yan hui) more than any other aspect of business life here. The baijiu toasts, the enforced smoking, the sea cucumber & ox spleen — it ranges from the merely bad to the improbably wretched. Followed up with an endless bout of KTV, it’s a sure-fire recipe for a terrible evening.

But is it really the infantile behavior, disgusting food and drunkenness that bothers us? Not really. In general we LIKE acting like boozy idiots and eating foul food – we just do it differently.

Many long-term ex-pats are finding themselves in situations where they have to act as hosts at one of these events. Well, the next time you’re called on to entertain Chinese guests, share the love and bring some high-quality western partying skills to the table. You spent 4 or 5 years at college preparing for just this moment.

Cuisine: Nothing says “I want to build a long term business relationship with your firm” like a big, steaming platter of noxious local delicacies. When you’re the host, you’ve got to step up to the challenge and bring a little bit of home right here to the Middle Kingdom. 5 years ago, we didn’t have too many options. Now however, we’ve got a few choices. Shanghai has one Taco Bell (789 Nanjing Road East), and while they don’t have private rooms with those big spinny table-tops, they do provide catering service.

Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking: How can we really do a Yan Hui American Style without White Castle? It’s true; The Castle hasn’t qualified with the WTO as an actual “food” product yet (soulless paper-pushers), so it may still be a long wait. But we live in the land of the cheap knock-off. IP laws are loose, and the locals are expert at reverse engineering. How hard is it to punch a few holes in 1.5 ounce of hamburger and fry it in extra grease? Wont’ even have to explain that last bit. Repeat after me… slie dah. Slie dah. There you go! This site ( http://www.whitecastle.com/_pages/secret.asp ) has all the information your ayi will need to reproduce the goodness right here.

Libation: Give the mao tai a break. Westerners have been putting themselves at a business disadvantage for generations by downing glass after glass of bai jiu. Well, if you’re calling the shots, why not make them tequila shots! Nothing tips the balances in your favor like a case of Cuervo’s finest. While you’re out it, you can stock the rest of the shelf with Budweiser, Pabst, Smirnoff, and our favorite Dixie twins Jack & Jim. Your new partner won’t know what hit him! Let him explain to HIS boss why he agreed to make YOUR idiot nephew the managing director of the new Zhejiang JV.

Business Philosophy: Get those sensitive negotiations started right with a little honest dialogue and discussion. Yeah, we’re talking about drinking games. That liar’s poker dice game that the KTV girls play isn’t bad, but you’ll probably want to opt for something a little more sophisticated and mature. Well, if Quarters is fun, then Kuai-ers is even ‘more funnier’. (You might want to wash the coins, first. Don’t want your hot prospects coming down with the plague.) This will set the tone for all your subsequent strategy planning, so make sure everyone on your side has the requisite skills and understands “elbow pointing” rules.

The Ministry of International Commerce says the deal isn’t done until your counter-party blows chunks in a parking lot. Lady executives – get a friend to hold that hair back! It’s may turn out to be a loooong night.

Negotiations. KTV and public singing are only weird because of the microphone and the music choices. Well, when you’re the one doing the entertaining you have to be open to ALL cultures and backgrounds – Wild Thing, Louie Louie, Freebird AND Sinatra’s New York, New York. None of those prima-donna solos, either. The entire room shouting half-rememberd lyrics is the only way to build a really strong relationship. And if discussions are getting bogged down on technicalities, it’s time to rollout Sir Mixalot’s “I Like Big Butts”. Yeah.

Teambuilding. I’ve asked several high-level Chinese executives, and NONE of them have ever mooned a crowd from a moving taxi. Unbelievable, I know. Share your culture and forge strong business ties. The danger here isn’t that they’ll hate the idea – it’s that they’ll be doing it all the time. Is it counter-revolutionary or is it empowering the people? Let the Beijing HR department figure it out! Take ‘em for a ride ‘round People’s Square and practice. One fruit basket for the crowd leaving Barbossa’s please!

Public Safety: Your friend’s at Malone’s want us to remind you: Safety first – then double doubles and semi-pornographic Filipino cover bands. Tai ban le!

Every Friday, ChinaSolved will help China’s cadre of international managers find creative solutions to common business challenges. Today we discuss Time Management & Transportation issues.

Taxicab rides are getting longer as Shanghai traffic gets worse and worse. It’s estimated that by the year 2008, the average manager in Shanghai will spend approximately 7 hours EACH day in the back of a Dazhong taxi (BLATANT LIE -editor). On-the-go China managers have to learn to make use of all that dead time.

What can you do to recapture your lost hours? Multi-task like a man. Forget about using the computer, taking notes or reading a report. Between the jerky gear switching, noise, bad light and foul air, you won’t do anything but ruin your eyes and make yourself queasy. No, China’s managerial vanguard has to use some of that world-famous “innovative creativity” that abounds in this land ( BusinessWeek, Time, CNN, etc) and find ways to turn old beans into chou-doufu.

B-List phone calls. Nothing says “go to hell and stop bothering me” like a bad cell phone connection under Yan An Xi lu. Heard something you didn’t like? No you didn’t! It was drowned out by a bus horn, crossing guard whistle, pedestrian scream, etc. (Ok, Hong Kong people already know about this one.)

Job Interviews. Kick the recruitment process up a notch. The back of a taxi provides the perfect venue for screening your short-list of candidates. The whole drama of life gets played out: hope, joy, fear, stress, carbon monoxide poisoning. How will your new hire handle pressure? Find out as you plow through a crowd of pedestrians and cyclists. Your new sales manager says he’s got the stomach to take on the competition? That last high-speed right-on-red tells a different story. Your new project manager will have plenty of time to explain the details of his job history as you slog through the mess on HongQiao & HuaShan.

Extreme Chinese lesson (front seat only). Learn to curse, whine and complain in Mandarin, Shanghaihua, Cantonese, and whatever the hell it is that Beijing cabbies use (putonghua my ass -ed.). Advanced learners can ask the driver to turn off the damned radio soap operas.

Gain Perspective. Welcome to Dazhong Taxi – fasten your seat belt and peer over the edge of the abyss. Nothing helps you find your true center like the slow-motion creep into the path of an oncoming bus. In other cities, manic cabbies surprise you with their high speed antics. None of that in Shanghai. Our drivers like to weigh their options and then move slowly and methodically into the most dangerous situation possible. Gives you plenty of time to ponder those big life decisions and re-order your priorities.

Work out the kinks. Stop fighting the stop-n-go lurch and make use of it. Shanghai cabbies are taught to keep the car moving in short little bursts and sudden speed changes, so use the time for an isometric stretch. Banged up your shoulder in that last lane-change thow-down? You just got a Shanghai Rolfing. Is that buzz the endorphins or the exhaust fumes? No matter. You’ll reach your destination refreshed and renewed.

Strategic planning. Stop paying a fortune for high-priced Singaporean consultants to blather on about “thinking outside the box”. You’ve just entered a magical place where 2 lanes become 3, several objects can occupy the same space, and the laws of man, science and God are all up for debate. Every intersection can inspire a new marketing plan (what obstacles? – plow on through and let the competition jump out of the way). Only works if you have a voice-record option on you MP3 player.

Any other Dazhong multi-task options we missed?